Building a Strong Marriage Through Grace, Understanding, and Love

Author, his wife and first born daughter

Introduction

This chapter is part of a larger work, Strengthening and Restoring Marriage: A Comprehensive Guide, that my wife, Dorcas, and I are writing. In this section, will look into the importance of grace, understanding, and love in building and maintaining a strong, healthy marriage. Through personal experiences and biblical insights, we aim to provide practical guidance for couples seeking to strengthen their relationship, restore what has been broken, and create a lasting partnership that reflects God's love. Please note, this is just a portion of the full book, which will offer deeper exploration, more tools, and additional wisdom to help couples grow together in love and faith. Stay tuned for the complete guide!

Strengthening Marriage Through Grace and Understanding

Sin and wickedness are increasing, and people’s hearts, including those of couples, are growing cold. Jesus Himself warned about this, saying, “Because of the increase of wickedness, the love of most will grow cold” (Matthew 24:12). Biblically, God calls us to confess our sins to one another and share our weaknesses (James 5:16). However, in this generation, when someone shares their struggles, their partner may use them as a weapon rather than as an opportunity for healing and growth. This is a dangerous cycle that weakens trust and creates division in marriages.

Couples must recognize that they are not enemies but are meant to defend one another and fight battles together. “A cord of three strands is not quickly broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:12). No matter who opposes your partner, never turn against them, even when they make mistakes. Instead, rebuke them privately with love, just as Christ corrects His Church not to destroy it but to sanctify it (Ephesians 5:25-27).

In conflicts, couples should avoid using each other's vulnerabilities as weapons. For example, if one partner feels insecure about their spouse having many friends of the opposite sex and has openly expressed their feelings, the other should not exploit this in an argument to inflict pain. Doing so only deepens wounds and creates emotional distance. Marriage is not about retaliation; it’s about unity. Instead of attacking each other, focus on finding solutions that bring you closer. “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good” (Romans 12:21).

Arguments should never be an opportunity to dig up past relationships or failures. Doing so only serves to please the enemy, who desires division in marriage. The devil delights in discord, and every time couples bring up past hurts or former relationships, they invite unnecessary pain and strife. If both partners are committed to each other, the past should remain in the past. “Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead” (Philippians 3:13), couples should work together to solve their present challenges rather than reviving old wounds.

Anger is natural, but acting out in anger leads to sin. “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry” (Ephesians 4:26). When couples operate in the flesh, grace is absent, and destruction follows. Marriage is not a boxing match where one must defeat the other, it is a covenant reflecting Christ’s love for the Church (Ephesians 5:31-32). A wise person builds their home, while a foolish one tears it down with their own hands (Proverbs 14:1). Words are like fire; they can either warm or burn down an entire marriage. “The tongue has the power of life and death” (Proverbs 18:21).

Leading with Grace: A Husband’s Role

A husband must understand that too many rules can bring out the worst in his wife. “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged” (Colossians 3:21). The same applies to wives, when a husband leads with excessive control rather than love, resentment builds. Likewise, a wife should recognize that constantly asking for money rather than prioritizing the relationship can weaken the marriage.

Think of the Church, if it only asks God for blessings without seeking a relationship with Christ, it will not receive His favor. “Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well” (Matthew 6:33). In the same way, marriage without love and grace will struggle.

The law in the Old Testament showed humanity’s weakness because no one could obey it fully (Romans 3:23). Similarly, a husband who only enforces rules without grace will find his wife resisting. But when a man leads his wife with grace, she will naturally respond with love and devotion. Just as Christ showed unmerited favor to the Church, a husband should show undeserved kindness to his wife. “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25).

One biblical example is Hosea and Gomer. Gomer was unfaithful, yet God commanded Hosea to take her back and love her again (Hosea 3:1). This was a picture of God’s grace toward Israel and also a powerful lesson for husbands. Leading with grace, rather than judgment, brings transformation.

My wife and I once went to town, and I had promised to buy her two big things. On the way, she wronged me, and I became very angry. She also got upset because, in her eyes, I had wronged her too. At some point, she asked for transport money to return home, assuming I would cancel my promise out of anger. But I looked at her and said, “I came here to buy you two things, and I will do it whether you wronged me or not.” I kept my word.

When we returned home, the love she showed me afterward was unlike anything I had ever experienced. She still talks about that moment to this day. That act of grace melted her heart and strengthened our relationship. Why? Because “It is God’s kindness that leads us to repentance” (Romans 2:4). When a husband leads with grace, he invites love and transformation rather than rebellion.

My wife trusts me because she sees that I live for God. She listens to me not out of fear but out of love. If I asked her to stay indoors for three days, she would do it happily—not because I demand it, but because she knows I lead with love. “Perfect love drives out fear” (1 John 4:18).

Just as God does not treat us as our sins deserve, a husband should not treat his wife according to her mistakes. “The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities” (Psalm 103:8,10). If God were to judge us strictly, no one could stand (Psalm 130:3).

Likewise, wives should ensure their love is not transactional. If joy only comes when the husband gets paid, then that is a relationship built on material things rather than love. True love in marriage is tested in times of lack, just as our faith is tested in trials. “Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord” (Habakkuk 3:17-18).

A marriage built on grace, understanding, and unconditional love will stand strong. It will reflect Christ’s relationship with the Church, where forgiveness, love, and grace reign above all else.

Conclusion

In marriage, the journey is not always smooth, but through grace, understanding, and love, couples can navigate the challenges and grow stronger together. By choosing to show grace instead of holding onto offenses, and by prioritizing love over pride, we reflect the heart of Christ’s relationship with His Church. As you continue in your own marital journey, remember that no conflict is too big for God to restore and no mistake is beyond His grace.

We invite you to take these principles to heart and begin applying them in your marriage today. Don’t wait for perfection, take small steps toward a stronger, more grace-filled relationship. Remember, every choice you make in how you treat your spouse can either build or tear down your marriage. With God’s help, may you grow in love and forgiveness, building a lasting bond that mirrors His love for us.

As you reflect on these insights, we encourage you to join us in continuing this journey of strengthening and restoring your marriage. Let this guide be the beginning of a transformation that will not only deepen your relationship with each other but also draw you closer to God’s design for marriage.